on Love - In the Noughties by Skamper
4 Jun 2007, 3:07 AM
'bleeding heart' and 'tongue whipped' could be changed. Good last two lines.
on Alive at 95 by nypoet22
4 Jun 2007, 3:05 AM
Stanza 2 wants to follow s1's rhyme scheme, otherwise it looks like you had a good idea to start with but couldn't follow it through.
replying on Ode to Jack by Skamper
26 May 2007, 11:11 AM
I'm assuming from the title that this is an ode, at least in some sense. It could do with some meter. But if you don't want to stick to a strict system, use internal rhymes or mid-line rhymes to give it a subtle kick along. There's nothing wrong with editing a poem, it makes it no less valid as a spontaneous thought, and it makes it much better as poetry (usually).
replying on The Happy Side of Misery by Dovina
26 May 2007, 11:05 AM
a country road
a cyclist
a house
a dairy barn
-all within the first four lines. It leaves me alphatised, not that alphatised is a word. Apparently there's a book devoted to Auden's use of the definite article, one day I will write one about your use of the indefinite article. Or maybe it won't be a book, maybe just an article. Okay, groan away.
a cyclist
a house
a dairy barn
-all within the first four lines. It leaves me alphatised, not that alphatised is a word. Apparently there's a book devoted to Auden's use of the definite article, one day I will write one about your use of the indefinite article. Or maybe it won't be a book, maybe just an article. Okay, groan away.
on The wreck of a Memphis-Atlanta Greyhound by zodiac
24 May 2007, 2:05 PM
Good grief, how have I missed this until now?
on Bookshop girls by Stephen Robins
23 May 2007, 2:54 AM
Have you been in a charity shop recently?
on Mouth full of Posion by VioletSuccubus
23 May 2007, 2:53 AM
The passion's there, it just needs crafting now. Work the musicality, the cadence and add a couple of killer images. If it's the Gothic you're after, aim for a Poe-style effect. Who do you read?
on Ode to Jack by Skamper
23 May 2007, 2:43 AM
You seem to be aiming more for word-music - put some subtle rhymes in to make it move smoothly.
on The Happy Side of Misery by Dovina
23 May 2007, 2:38 AM
Nice. You could do with looking a bit more at your articles - sometimes you use them when I don't think they're needed, and others you leave them out when they'd be better included.
"Forty shades of southern green" is a good line.
"Forty shades of southern green" is a good line.
on My Soul Cries Out by amanda_dcosta
23 May 2007, 2:31 AM
I think that gospel blues is definitely your forte.
The potential here, in my unhumble opinion, is to go "my heart dwells *in* every word..." and build a house-of-God analogy from there.
Nice to see you're still writing :-)
The potential here, in my unhumble opinion, is to go "my heart dwells *in* every word..." and build a house-of-God analogy from there.
Nice to see you're still writing :-)
on Portrait of the artist as [insert adjective] by Nicholas Jones
23 May 2007, 2:27 AM
Turn this into a concrete silhouette poeme and it will be brilliant.
Everyone's a closet neo-Kantian even if they won't admit it.
Everyone's a closet neo-Kantian even if they won't admit it.
on Hatred and Perfection by laurahenn2010
29 Apr 2007, 2:23 PM
Pick an image. Any image, it doesn't have to be spectacularly original at this point. Perhaps the key would be a good one to use. Try to write something which just revolves around the key; be consistent (a lot of this poem is fragmented and unconnected except through the loose and quite vague emotions). Use either the key or door (or anything associated with whichever tactile object you pick) to represent you, and find similarities. What that should do, with a bit of practise, is help make the feelings that you put in come across with a bit more subtlety. In turn, that'll make the reader more likely to emphasise. If you say "I hurt", well I might nod sympathetically - but beyond that I can't connect with it; I can't relate to it (to use an old cliche). The best way to find out what works for you in poetry is to read plenty of it - find a genre you're likely to enjoy and have a go. Perhaps Sylvia Plath would be a good starting point from the evidence of this poem, or Poe if you want something more elaborate and gothic.
Anyway, so sayeth -=Ranger=-. Hope it's of help.
Anyway, so sayeth -=Ranger=-. Hope it's of help.
on new clothes, same old story by nypoet22
29 Apr 2007, 2:05 PM
Interesting that you don't punctuate the last line. It suggests that he's ugly (when) naked. If so, what is he the rest of the time? Beautiful? Or just hidden?
Nice and concise.
Nice and concise.
That's more info than you've paid for.
But anyway. You tell too much and don't say enough - the poem's either surface-shallow or it's not made me curious enough to venture further into it. The beige is stuffy, the windows are slightly unbuttoned, the voices of students are sweaty...so? It reads more like prose than poetry. That isn't a bad thing unless you're aiming for a poetic voice, in which case it is a bad thing.
'Blinding light' = so close to being a Dylan Thomas reference that I'd either change it or follow it up with a tactile reference to him. It just seems unnecessarily derivative as it is. I don't think you need the repetition of 'books on', my preference would be for something like:
books on Dryden,
(hobbies, theories,
laundry lists and sex life)
...or something like that.
Anyhoo, blah blah etc. etc., you can probably guess the rest of the stuff I'd have to say. It wouldn't be particularly interesting, so I'm not going to say it.
The final stanza is ace though.
But anyway. You tell too much and don't say enough - the poem's either surface-shallow or it's not made me curious enough to venture further into it. The beige is stuffy, the windows are slightly unbuttoned, the voices of students are sweaty...so? It reads more like prose than poetry. That isn't a bad thing unless you're aiming for a poetic voice, in which case it is a bad thing.
'Blinding light' = so close to being a Dylan Thomas reference that I'd either change it or follow it up with a tactile reference to him. It just seems unnecessarily derivative as it is. I don't think you need the repetition of 'books on', my preference would be for something like:
books on Dryden,
(hobbies, theories,
laundry lists and sex life)
...or something like that.
Anyhoo, blah blah etc. etc., you can probably guess the rest of the stuff I'd have to say. It wouldn't be particularly interesting, so I'm not going to say it.
The final stanza is ace though.
on What it Feels Like by laurahenn2010
26 Apr 2007, 9:40 AM
If you're just starting out on the poetic road, this probably doesn't deserve the kicking it's got. It's true that it's full of cliche and vague sensation, but you have to start somewhere. Find a poet you enjoy reading and try to work out what tricks they use. Imagery, metaphor, meter etc. etc. etc. are all things to practise as you go - especially look for strong images and novel way of describing them. Rhyming dictionaries are also good resources; the best rhymer on here (zodiac) always claimed to use them.
Keep at it, listen to the criticism and ignore the insults. You'll be fine.
Keep at it, listen to the criticism and ignore the insults. You'll be fine.
on Benevolent Oasis by drnick
26 Apr 2007, 9:28 AM
If Dali had rhymed more often, he'd have done something like this.
on Sensually Literary Villanelle by bwaha
16 Apr 2007, 1:49 AM
Still good, what was changed?
You might want to trim a few commas - and richa's got a point about the 'tears shed' line. If you were to enjamb that line it would help the stanza flow a bit more as well.
You might want to trim a few commas - and richa's got a point about the 'tears shed' line. If you were to enjamb that line it would help the stanza flow a bit more as well.