on The cat who would fly by nentwined
11 Aug 2005, 1:54 PM
placid may not be the right word, k. it diminishes the impact of the rest of the otherwise strong poem.
on CAN'T TAKE THE PAIN by prettyktm
20 Jul 2005, 7:43 AM
this makes a good Lyric.
on Moving Up by jessicazee
20 Jul 2005, 7:46 AM
not sure if the promotion is to her position at home, or if she's been promoted at work. other than that, i like what you've done. but that one part could be clearer.
on the smallest box will do by elderking
20 Jul 2005, 7:52 AM
very nicely done.
on Inoculation by bamf909
20 Jul 2005, 7:54 AM
nice elaboration on a theme.
on Oh this little mouse, love by cpill
20 Jul 2005, 7:56 AM
this has a nice playful feel to it, but "i love you" feels a bit over the top.
on some deleted poem
20 Jul 2005, 7:57 AM
nice.
on Let the Healing Begin by http://bandgeek
20 Jul 2005, 7:58 AM
well told.
on A Good Man Ruined by Dovina
20 Jul 2005, 8:03 AM
somehow i feel this one might have been more effective written from the engineer's point of view.
on Break Free by Fayt
20 Jul 2005, 8:05 AM
and...?
i want more from this.
i want more from this.
on some deleted poem
10 Oct 2005, 7:04 AM
i'd like to see what that smell evoked. give me the feeling that the smell brought up in you.
on Incommunicado blues (fixed, except for Dovina) by zodiac
19 Oct 2005, 6:41 AM
I love this:
I want to tell you I fear
falling into religion
and
the scaffold
of proper nouns, greetings, and expansive gestures -
but the sentence seems convoluted to me, and i am not sure of your meaning. not that i need to be sure, it's jsut that i want a clearer reason for these bold statement to link in with that lasting, last image.
I want to tell you I fear
falling into religion
and
the scaffold
of proper nouns, greetings, and expansive gestures -
but the sentence seems convoluted to me, and i am not sure of your meaning. not that i need to be sure, it's jsut that i want a clearer reason for these bold statement to link in with that lasting, last image.
on Farm animals by INTRANSIT
19 Oct 2005, 6:44 AM
the language here is quite intriguing, rich, and i agree with dovina that it took a while to work out that the sun was a different entity than the rooster, although that should be obvious.
my question to you here is, do we only awaken once, or do we only awaken once as one of these things you mention?
my question to you here is, do we only awaken once, or do we only awaken once as one of these things you mention?
on Leg by jessicazee
21 Oct 2005, 11:34 AM
nice.
on some deleted poem
20 Oct 2005, 1:41 PM
knowing that Shannon is a she makes it for me. This is lovely. well done, sir!
on some deleted poem
20 Oct 2005, 1:46 PM
a couple of suggestions, if i may:
a comma, here:
as he sat pretty, rotting.
transpose the words from:
but he only loved his jailor.
to:
but he loved only his jailor.
a period here, to stop the thought:
heard him sing a winter opus.
and rearrange this:
sent sweet dew on his grave to glisten.
to this, to cross-rhyme it instead of end-rhyming:
sent sweet dew to glisten on his grave.
and the last few lines, i would lose the rhymes, as they are inconsistent with the rest of the poem.
quite the experiment.
a comma, here:
as he sat pretty, rotting.
transpose the words from:
but he only loved his jailor.
to:
but he loved only his jailor.
a period here, to stop the thought:
heard him sing a winter opus.
and rearrange this:
sent sweet dew on his grave to glisten.
to this, to cross-rhyme it instead of end-rhyming:
sent sweet dew to glisten on his grave.
and the last few lines, i would lose the rhymes, as they are inconsistent with the rest of the poem.
quite the experiment.
on Incommunicado blues (fixed, except for Dovina) by zodiac
24 Oct 2005, 11:23 AM
you nailed it. bravo.