on some deleted poem
7 Nov 2003, 12:03 AM
sal-- the last stanza is beautiful. try to pare down the rest, and you'll have a gem
on Naylor's Handbag by Bobjim
7 Nov 2003, 6:18 PM
bravo, sir.
on Shouting at dogs by Bobjim
10 Nov 2003, 7:07 PM
you amuse me again, bobjim. thankee.
on some deleted poem
11 Nov 2003, 7:56 AM
did you come from NFG?
on The Turner Prize by Mona Lisa
19 Nov 2003, 8:45 AM
sums it up, all right.
on hall panful by skaskowski
19 Nov 2003, 8:49 AM
half great, all fun
on some deleted poem
19 Nov 2003, 8:52 AM
funny.
on null by Bill Z Bub
19 Nov 2003, 11:32 AM
what did you delete?
on some deleted poem
20 Nov 2003, 4:35 PM
5? i need 10!
on some deleted poem
20 Nov 2003, 4:43 PM
don't be a fool! sympatriate, man!
on my hunger has become a hunger for revenge by nentwined
3 Dec 2003, 12:40 PM
and they'll have fun fun fun 'til her daddy burns her honda away....
on some deleted poem
17 Mar 2004, 9:33 PM
but february made me shiver.
with every paper i'd deliver.
and, if you sart it out, "Dear March, " don't you need to end it, "Love, X"?
And, Sal, do not get sucked in by the promises of March, or even those of April. Wait for My. An d then, slow everythng down until you can hear the grass bending. I t still might snow in May; I have seen it.
bring thisone around.
with every paper i'd deliver.
and, if you sart it out, "Dear March, " don't you need to end it, "Love, X"?
And, Sal, do not get sucked in by the promises of March, or even those of April. Wait for My. An d then, slow everythng down until you can hear the grass bending. I t still might snow in May; I have seen it.
bring thisone around.
on some deleted poem
21 Apr 2004, 12:38 PM
"Skeletal flotsam - uncollected soul;"
fix these sounds please. take the clicks out. the oceans doesn't click. not even bones click, in the ocean. the notion is great and i like the words together, but save them for another poem.
the jarring rhythm works in 13 but keep it for 14 as well, SVP.
fix these sounds please. take the clicks out. the oceans doesn't click. not even bones click, in the ocean. the notion is great and i like the words together, but save them for another poem.
the jarring rhythm works in 13 but keep it for 14 as well, SVP.
on some deleted poem
21 Apr 2004, 12:40 PM
i think you can do better than to mix the quaintness of the inversions with straight subject/verb/object.
on Fulfillment by JohnnyRocker
22 Apr 2004, 9:30 PM
is it me, or is this shaped like the midsection of a man with a semi-flaccid erection?
on some deleted poem
22 Apr 2004, 9:36 PM
hey sal,
i like the feeling of this--it's escapist, and that really suits it.
it's in your short lines where this weakens:
to hear you sing.
and
None of them real.
i find myself wanting the same beat in these two, because the rest of it has a lovely sing-songiness to it.
the same with the ending--
look-and-feel.
and
sing for me.
as i was reading it, i filled in the last line before i read it with 'make me real' instead of 'sing for me.' tht's what i want, but damn it's so cliche. there, now you have it--i'm a closet cliche-ist.
i can see her eyes. funny, that. i don't remember her singing but i remember her smoking, and that dress.
nice
i like the feeling of this--it's escapist, and that really suits it.
it's in your short lines where this weakens:
to hear you sing.
and
None of them real.
i find myself wanting the same beat in these two, because the rest of it has a lovely sing-songiness to it.
the same with the ending--
look-and-feel.
and
sing for me.
as i was reading it, i filled in the last line before i read it with 'make me real' instead of 'sing for me.' tht's what i want, but damn it's so cliche. there, now you have it--i'm a closet cliche-ist.
i can see her eyes. funny, that. i don't remember her singing but i remember her smoking, and that dress.
nice
on Tales From The Outhouse by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
22 Apr 2004, 10:35 PM
i feel...embrowned.
excellent fun, this.
excellent fun, this.
reading this, i thought you might enjoy it as well.
http://www.blackbird.vcu.edu/v2n2/poetry
z