replying on joyriding by Bill Z Bub
19 Dec 2002, 6:36 AM
i think he meant glasses--the geek look--or at least the intelligenzia--and it makes a nice veer from the expected, don't you think?
on fa11ing by Bill Z Bub
18 Dec 2002, 7:33 PM
what changed?
replying on of people and places (final cut)I by INTRANSIT
18 Dec 2002, 5:14 PM
did it say tile mosaic before?
i seem to remember in version 1 instantly thinking of a board.
i seem to remember in version 1 instantly thinking of a board.
replying on February Loneliness by BenRice
18 Dec 2002, 12:05 PM
yes, i figured the long strider was an adult male, but i saw no clue to indicate kinship.
the 'maverick above' made me think the long strider was a single man, and the boy was tagging along, and could not understand why he would plead for the kid to stay with him. i didn't get at all that the maverick was the crow. and why would he plead for the boy to stay, since the boy had been involved in the shooting of the other crow? not directly, but by his presence, he was complicit in the murder of the crow.
'the two alone' reads to me as just the humans being left.
can this be worked out?
why are they hunting crows anyway?
the 'maverick above' made me think the long strider was a single man, and the boy was tagging along, and could not understand why he would plead for the kid to stay with him. i didn't get at all that the maverick was the crow. and why would he plead for the boy to stay, since the boy had been involved in the shooting of the other crow? not directly, but by his presence, he was complicit in the murder of the crow.
'the two alone' reads to me as just the humans being left.
can this be worked out?
why are they hunting crows anyway?
replying on When Im Gone by New Life Drug
18 Dec 2002, 8:46 AM
i like the numbers too.
i'd break this up though:
Just because I'm gone
it doesnt mean that sunlight should
come in like
you always wanted it to.
i'd break this up though:
Just because I'm gone
it doesnt mean that sunlight should
come in like
you always wanted it to.
replying on February Loneliness by BenRice
18 Dec 2002, 8:38 AM
these lines confuse that connection, making him seem like he is not a pert of 'home':
This time pleading with me to stay with him.
A gust whips across snowy fields as I
Quicken my pace to return home to friends.
This time pleading with me to stay with him.
A gust whips across snowy fields as I
Quicken my pace to return home to friends.
on Holding On by Katie2
18 Dec 2002, 8:22 AM
line breaks, babycakes!
on Writers Resume' by wordsy
18 Dec 2002, 7:58 AM
elude.
on The North Wind by Ranger
18 Dec 2002, 7:46 AM
and why did you call it the north wind anyway?
on The North Wind by Ranger
18 Dec 2002, 7:46 AM
i think the low scores are due to the fact that you have basically strung together a load of cliches. the rhyme feels forced; at first, given what you were trying to say, i thought that maybe you shouldn't try to rhyme it, but then i saw you were going for a lyric--and the rhyme still feels forced. try saying this in your own words, not with a dozen catch phrases you have heard over and over again.
does that help at all?
does that help at all?
on Frozen Angel by Ranger
18 Dec 2002, 7:42 AM
there are some lovely passages here, but some of your word choices, i disagree with. so much talk about 'heart' and 'timeless' makes it feel worn. also, i am not sure what the resolution is. i am assuming that the 'frozen angel' is a cursed lover? am i correct?
replying on UltraSound by UnityMitford
18 Dec 2002, 7:37 AM
:]
on February Loneliness by BenRice
18 Dec 2002, 7:36 AM
what is the relationship of the retriever to the shooter?
on UltraSound by UnityMitford
18 Dec 2002, 7:29 AM
so, it's a girl then? or is it a ==doylum?
on Popaul by Nicholas Jones
17 Dec 2002, 11:03 AM
don't mind p&k. he gets cranky. i get bitchy. horus babbles. etc. keep posting.
i don't know what popaul is. wanna tell me?
i don't know what popaul is. wanna tell me?
on with no words to write by nentwined
17 Dec 2002, 11:01 AM
howzabout switching it to read thusly:
spun wholecloth from ethers, the ethereal nothing
spun wholecloth from ethers, the ethereal nothing