on Where Have All the Punk Rockers Gone? by wilco
4 May 2004, 6:54 PM
http://www.nme.com/artists/photos/photo/21446.htm
on The Influence of Anxiety by Nicholas Jones
4 May 2004, 1:20 PM
'bloomsday'--that's pretty hot.
and you didn't cop out at the end <<appreciation>> although 'they' did.
and you didn't cop out at the end <<appreciation>> although 'they' did.
on I Find Myself Standing by Aetius
4 May 2004, 10:42 AM
so many pronouns!
wean them away for a more concise image, and give me a little less narrative and a little more of why you stopped, and, having stopped, chose to then cross that wobbly span clutching that now-impotent pen?
wean them away for a more concise image, and give me a little less narrative and a little more of why you stopped, and, having stopped, chose to then cross that wobbly span clutching that now-impotent pen?
on Come off with me Carly back into the city by zodiac
3 May 2004, 9:01 PM
i like this. i like the cadence and the melancholy and the present that won't escape the past, here. and the gold, the yellow, everywhere, now, bursting.
replying on There Is No Such Thing As A Poem by Aetius
30 Apr 2004, 12:37 PM
they have their butlers hold them. to sully their hands with an instrument such as that--no, never!
on There Is No Such Thing As A Poem by Aetius
30 Apr 2004, 11:58 AM
the bleeding is very nicely done, aetius, and i like the analogy to amish tables but the words "polished clean through much erasure;" don't fitwith it--they trip them selves up. give them harder sounds to match the table's angles.
vomit--vomit. monsters unleashed--yesyes--
wild apples sewn by the mad--are you mad? why not the birds? why not by orchard-raiders chased off the land by athe tenant-farmer??
tame roses--ah, now that thorn soothes ,me. now you're back on track...
vomit--vomit. monsters unleashed--yesyes--
wild apples sewn by the mad--are you mad? why not the birds? why not by orchard-raiders chased off the land by athe tenant-farmer??
tame roses--ah, now that thorn soothes ,me. now you're back on track...
on After the ice season ~ shamelessly lewd revision by zodiac
28 Apr 2004, 7:31 PM
mistake #1:
title and opening line repeat. aaaargh!!!
suggested title: 'frisson, unfrozen'
why 'ice season'? has it really been an entire season? or just a hastily-made peace that's grown into a rift?
'will we have to get'--dude, economize! save the breath for when you need it! 'must we' will suffice to thaw this ice!!
the rest of it melts off my tongue, deliciously. now, if you would only ind a way to ease me in--instead of making me fell like you're cranking that pontiac, hoping it will turn over!
bueno.
title and opening line repeat. aaaargh!!!
suggested title: 'frisson, unfrozen'
why 'ice season'? has it really been an entire season? or just a hastily-made peace that's grown into a rift?
'will we have to get'--dude, economize! save the breath for when you need it! 'must we' will suffice to thaw this ice!!
the rest of it melts off my tongue, deliciously. now, if you would only ind a way to ease me in--instead of making me fell like you're cranking that pontiac, hoping it will turn over!
bueno.
nice, dry feeling to this, h.
watch the periods. they break it up too much, maybe. give me a reason your face has been turned away by these things, as the rest of you is a part of the schema.
maybe not 'death without song' but more so death with an unvoiced sound?
lose the ... on the second to last line. it cheapens the poem. the rest, in my opinion, is nicely done.
watch the periods. they break it up too much, maybe. give me a reason your face has been turned away by these things, as the rest of you is a part of the schema.
maybe not 'death without song' but more so death with an unvoiced sound?
lose the ... on the second to last line. it cheapens the poem. the rest, in my opinion, is nicely done.
on Of Dreams and Obscurity by wilco
22 Apr 2004, 11:35 PM
or a list of opening lines for short stories?
replying on Dear M Foucault, or, How I knew our relationship was doomed by zodiac
22 Apr 2004, 11:31 PM
you can quit again.
either that, or spend the time brushing up on spelling and grammar.
<meow>
either that, or spend the time brushing up on spelling and grammar.
<meow>
on Something's gone wrong by zodiac
22 Apr 2004, 11:10 PM
well done.
little things here and there to be enjoyed:
half-empty glass,
the broken record ( and the hiss
and catch and hiss of your breathing like an old song),
to shake you awake, call it quits,
So I kiss
your damp hair thinking you'll wake late from this
dead sleep, and maybe tell me what it was
about me I ought to have noticed all along.
little things here and there to be enjoyed:
half-empty glass,
the broken record ( and the hiss
and catch and hiss of your breathing like an old song),
to shake you awake, call it quits,
So I kiss
your damp hair thinking you'll wake late from this
dead sleep, and maybe tell me what it was
about me I ought to have noticed all along.
on Buried pyramid by zodiac
22 Apr 2004, 10:44 PM
nice enjambments. i struggled with a few of the words pulled out f order, but i see what you are up to, and i like it. and this, this made me smile:
till the wondrous
seriousness of keeping our feet under us
left us, and we fell.
thank you.
till the wondrous
seriousness of keeping our feet under us
left us, and we fell.
thank you.
replying on Tales From The Outhouse by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
22 Apr 2004, 10:36 PM
well dun, sir! i'd have to be a naiv uen to miss the beauty of that remark!
on Tales From The Outhouse by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
22 Apr 2004, 10:35 PM
i feel...embrowned.
excellent fun, this.
excellent fun, this.
on Fulfillment by JohnnyRocker
22 Apr 2004, 9:30 PM
is it me, or is this shaped like the midsection of a man with a semi-flaccid erection?