too much cliche, even if it does contain some of my favorite words.

"stairring" is something I'd never contemplated before.

I really have _no idea_ how to read this. The words seem to strive for an entire lack of coherence.

I carry my possession that you possess to church every day? I think this is supposed to be a semi-riddle on knowledge, but I do not see how to put all the pieces together.

the flow/rhythm of this is lacking. the idea--I think I get what you're saying, but it takes inspection. The telling and showing seem to be confused--the telling superfluous, except tha the showing is hard to understand--but even then the telling doesn't help as much as it could. I'd say work more on visualizing what's going on--try to think a little less.

cute. I think the first few lines could have more feeling in them, especially given your response to Dovina.

tired of "losing", I presume?

I don't quite get the 'collect enough hemp' angle.

the automobile/splatter comes across as more juvenile than the rest. actually reminds me of something I wrote in 10th grade or so. This is a bit more interesting than what I did, but does seem to descend a bit into the silly.

nice. the last line really makes it, where the rest of the poem had felt "pretty but pointless". the one rough edge that throws me is "mostly long gone".

/me wants "'twixt or 'tween over 'between' (for flow)

I'd drop vacuum-like to vacuum, for flow, and the 'like' isn't needed.

beautiful last line.

I want this set to deathmetal. :)

nice flow, but I don't get into it. very pretty, though. I think I want something the slightest bit more specific, more personal, ... something. in the middle, ish.

cute. a bit wordy, and I know the poem's about one facet of that, but I still didn't want to wade through the whole thing; rhythm's a bit off for me in several places.

If you meant this seriously, and I see that you don't, I'd have to argue that Occam's Razor is only towards the simplest _sufficient_ explanation, and that would apply to the simplifications you make--they're context-dependant, and so it's hard to see whether they're overly-simplified or not in usage. ;)

Points for the blend, though.

I never knew Jheri Curl was spelled like that.

crazy.

I like the first two lines, lines 4 and 5, don't see the tie-in so much though I suppose it doesn't have to have one. But then the rest of it doesn't tie together for me (though I'm obnoxiously tired, on my way to bed); I really like the last two lines as well, but everything's all a discordant jumble. :/

spelling and grammar would help this. still too much telling for me.

The metaphor is somewhat interesting, but overall it doesn't have enough rhythm for me; the lines jerk from one to the next. The half-rhyme of 'couch' and 'pout' really doesn't work for me. I think the poem could be more interesting if you explored the metaphor a bit more directly and left the broad statements to be assumed.

Hope this is somewhat helpful...

somewhat catchy. a bit kitschy as well; the chin-up/move-out has a nice rhythm to it, though.

While I'm sure this is a poem about yourself and all the abuse you have suffered, you're not doing a very good job of expressing it. For one, it's a very tired theme, and there's nothing new in your treatment. For two, it's pure showing-not-telling, and while there are exceptions to that rule as any other, this is not one of them. For three, there's very little flow to the piece.

This has a great premise, and I like a fair amount of the execution. Plus I have to give bonus points to anything that has the word 'moments' for some reason, and this is a particular theme that I like to run with myself (because I like it; and as such, and yours captures that theme well, extra bonus points). All that said, there are some flow issues for me and bits of awkwardness--

'conversations' seems out of place: time, time, something less abstract; For me it either needs more things less abstract in that area, or less. I'd just toss in 'moments' there a second time, but that's because I like that word so much.

'Try to catch' seems like it's beginning a sentence, the tense has changed, but there's a comma leading up to it. I dislike commas-on-the-end poetry, and it's elements like this that showcase it for me.

I'd toss a monosyllabic before postcards for flow reasons... and a comma after "You're falling too" (before the too as well, if you're that sort of person).

s2 seems more solid than the first overall, and especially in flow/rhythm. A little bit of tweaking s1 would really make this work for me.

Mind you, it's a well-worn topic, and the poem doesn't go into any sort of novel depth, but the metaphor is pretty and the treatment is fun. I like fun, especially when it's intelligent.

this makes me happy. :)

this more properly goes in the 'metaku' category.

cute, though.

I had to look up DVDA. I have to say.

that's my amy, all right. :)