on some deleted poem
4 Jun 2003, 8:01 PM
well, you've definitely made your point...
on The boy by geewhiz1962
4 Jun 2003, 10:10 PM
"a heir" -> "an heir"
You might try getting someone to read this aloud to you, and pick out where the flow seems off. (I stumbled all over the place; nearly broke an 'ankle').
And I'm not all too into the "I must capitalize the first word of every line and put a period at the end". It doesn't "go with the flow" for me. Lots of sentences arbitrarily chopped...
You might try getting someone to read this aloud to you, and pick out where the flow seems off. (I stumbled all over the place; nearly broke an 'ankle').
And I'm not all too into the "I must capitalize the first word of every line and put a period at the end". It doesn't "go with the flow" for me. Lots of sentences arbitrarily chopped...
on THE WHEELCHAIR by Garrett S Sexton
17 Feb 2003, 9:06 PM
you whizzed on your legs?
on Death Of Day ( re-edit) by Mr Pig
17 Feb 2003, 9:10 PM
I like "silver assassin", but the rest ... seems almost there. just not quite.
on some deleted poem
28 Jan 2003, 1:12 AM
overall, a reasonable poem given the dead and done subject matter. I'd recommend counting syllables, though -- it feels like it wants a strong structure, but it's all over the place in small amounts, making reading it hard to do.
but still -- dead and done and best buried subject matter.
but still -- dead and done and best buried subject matter.
on Melancholy Tale by aperfecttool77
27 Jan 2003, 10:00 AM
why did I read this? well, I didn't: I stopped at the trite questions.
on Emergency by Nicholas Jones
27 Jan 2003, 10:01 AM
I think I need more context for this. as it, it seems pointlessly haphazard/random.
on some deleted poem
27 Jan 2003, 10:02 AM
erm. good disclaimer at the end?
on some deleted poem
26 Jan 2003, 12:02 PM
I actually rather like this. simple, to the point -- overdone, but quick about it. would go well over a speedmetal riff or something.
on A Losing Streak by Jigg
6 Mar 2003, 1:11 PM
I hear that.
on Worshipping the Porclin God by Derge
11 Apr 2003, 3:11 PM
All I can say is... strange. It does have a certain something to it.
on wandering, north by <~>
18 Feb 2003, 9:03 PM
I didn't like the rhythm in the last line of s1-5,7.
but the rest I loved. 9.
just posted a poem that was (sort of) an attempt to diverge from "my style" (and sort of just a needed, erm, release).
but the rest I loved. 9.
just posted a poem that was (sort of) an attempt to diverge from "my style" (and sort of just a needed, erm, release).
on Kaolin Fire is SHIT by poemwanker
2 Feb 2003, 11:56 PM
:sniff: You CARE, you really CARE!
on some deleted poem
2 Feb 2003, 11:55 PM
oh yeah. I think you have a winner now. :)
on some deleted poem
2 Feb 2003, 10:51 PM
I'm not quite with you on "fingered my cortex like it was a thesaurus" -- I don't tend to finger thesaurii..?
also a bit biased in that I have a bit of a clue what's going on (which makes me like it better).
actually, me having a clue is really the main thing I like about this, shortly followed by... you use good words and imagery and flow. it is good. but I think if I didn't know a bit here and there, this wouldn't mean much to me -- the airport seems entirely superfluous to the poem (could be dropped for greater effect, possibly, or expanded to have some stronger meaning).
beyond that... (?) a) yay, you wrote something! ;) b) it's pretty good. again, maybe the years between us keeps me distant from it, some. 7 as is. I think it could be an 8 or 9 (in my book). but it would need to be more self-contained.
also a bit biased in that I have a bit of a clue what's going on (which makes me like it better).
actually, me having a clue is really the main thing I like about this, shortly followed by... you use good words and imagery and flow. it is good. but I think if I didn't know a bit here and there, this wouldn't mean much to me -- the airport seems entirely superfluous to the poem (could be dropped for greater effect, possibly, or expanded to have some stronger meaning).
beyond that... (?) a) yay, you wrote something! ;) b) it's pretty good. again, maybe the years between us keeps me distant from it, some. 7 as is. I think it could be an 8 or 9 (in my book). but it would need to be more self-contained.
on For my wife by INTRANSIT
17 Feb 2003, 9:04 PM
I think I would have liked hammock better (netted swing is poetic, but I didn't get it).
this is simple and short, densely packed with common images, but... the collage is almost poignant. leans towards trite. maybe just the "ing ing ing".
this is simple and short, densely packed with common images, but... the collage is almost poignant. leans towards trite. maybe just the "ing ing ing".
on My bedtime story by famenglory
27 Jan 2003, 10:00 AM
doesn't do it for me. too klunky.
on some deleted poem
7 Mar 2003, 1:44 PM
hmm. :)
[much better]
[much better]