on dream dream dream dream dream by nentwined
31 Jul 2003, 8:24 AM
testing self-comment.
on Omerta el prostitute by <{Baba^Yaga}>
10 Jul 2003, 4:40 PM
"holding the letter with a bottle" -> "it slowly slips out" sounds like the letter slips out. but it shatters. ?
beyond that, rather nice. :)
beyond that, rather nice. :)
on some deleted poem
28 Aug 2003, 9:40 AM
this is hilarious. thank you. :)
on Love has been awoke. (edited, needs new title) by TheVoiceless
14 Sep 2003, 6:44 PM
certainly you've removed the informative. somewhat. your imagery has me solidly confused (a black lump of oxygenated carbon). I can't really feel "a snow cone melting on summer's day" (hmm; nitpick: it should either be "in summer's day" or "on a summer's day"). I can feel "a slow trickle of organs", but don't think it has the tone you're going for? [[rather sublime and gross it is, an interesting idea, but... out of place]]
really don't get what a "frosting freeze" would be. or what's reaching and what's being touched.
("to far gone" should be "too far gone")
the second stanza has seeds of something, if there was a better flow to it; and the last stanza brings it crashing down, in my opinion. done done done.
really don't get what a "frosting freeze" would be. or what's reaching and what's being touched.
("to far gone" should be "too far gone")
the second stanza has seeds of something, if there was a better flow to it; and the last stanza brings it crashing down, in my opinion. done done done.
on some deleted poem
14 Sep 2003, 7:28 PM
I found the first stanza overly long, a slippery slope of "so what?". the second rather cliche. the third a good question. and the answer... not worth the rest of it. :/
on Something Lost, Something Gained by Irischer Junge
8 Sep 2003, 4:14 PM
I have to agree with EAger. Well, mostly. I'm not sure I'd really want to see a well-considered, artistic, [yadda]... but this isn't it in any case.
first thing to work on, in my opinion, would be the flow/cadence/rhythm. Really, for starters, count the syllables. adjust accordingly. I'd also either stick with a set rhyme pattern, or not--some of the ends are halfrhymes, some not rhymes, some... eh. (you're pretty good at rhymind b and d, but the rest are awkwardly not one or the other).
to work on the content itself... that just takes time/experience/practice/trying, I think.
first thing to work on, in my opinion, would be the flow/cadence/rhythm. Really, for starters, count the syllables. adjust accordingly. I'd also either stick with a set rhyme pattern, or not--some of the ends are halfrhymes, some not rhymes, some... eh. (you're pretty good at rhymind b and d, but the rest are awkwardly not one or the other).
to work on the content itself... that just takes time/experience/practice/trying, I think.
on To be discontinued by impert&ent
5 Sep 2003, 9:04 AM
cute, though I think "dis" in the title is overkill. And peeved seems a rather... weak feeling, considering.
on some deleted poem
28 Aug 2003, 11:48 AM
reads like a bad adam sandler skit. (and I don't tend to like the good ones).
on some deleted poem
28 Aug 2003, 9:41 AM
I think this needs a better ending.
on The truth about our friend Horus by Sir.Psycho.Sexy
15 Aug 2003, 2:35 PM
a little fuller than your other ditty, but I feel it falls apart all over the place.
on Sir Psycho Sexy by DreamerSupreme
15 Aug 2003, 3:30 PM
ew.
on A look at Horus8 by Sir.Psycho.Sexy
15 Aug 2003, 2:34 PM
plain/simple. not very imaginative, but the rhymes don't hurt.
on Igor's inspiration by zzinnia66
14 Jul 2003, 1:52 PM
? :) definitely a mindtwister for me. I can't find the rhythm (is stepped one or two syllables in your reading? (not that I can find it either way, but I'm curious as to the "tone" there))
la la la! :)
does six-stepped mean something?
ooh. What's a Bombi? (I read that as Bambi at least 7 times. it now makes less sense but in a clearer way (I couldn't figure out where a deer was coming from).
la la la. :)
la la la! :)
does six-stepped mean something?
ooh. What's a Bombi? (I read that as Bambi at least 7 times. it now makes less sense but in a clearer way (I couldn't figure out where a deer was coming from).
la la la. :)
on some deleted poem
2 Jul 2003, 6:21 PM
cute. :)
on Life's sad song by Brian Tiensvold
26 Jun 2003, 9:44 AM
Behold, the massive whitehead!
on Web of darkness: Through a gold eye by suprembeaner
14 Sep 2003, 7:16 PM
this is very strange. it tugs me several directions, so I'll just try to respond to it in a linear fashion.
the first light sets me up for a horrible poem--cliche beyond belief. really. the second, though, is interesting--it says, "hey, here's a potentially unique viewpoint, sorry about that cliche I started with".
"eye's" is the possessive of eye, not its plural. and "gold pyrite" ... it's just "pyrite". or "fool's gold". trying too hard for the rhyme, I think.
the second stanza has some good sentiment in it, but it's clumsily stated. partially trying too hard for the rhyme, partially... just missing a coherent flow.
the last two stanzas beat the drum of something I can't agree with, but I'll try not to argue that. Just a note that forced ryhmes and butchered rhythm really don't promote what you're trying to say.
and "always beautiful in my head, no evil you can find" is just disturbing. really. like you're on some sort of "happy drug" ala brave new world, or being brainwashed ala 1984. really.
the first light sets me up for a horrible poem--cliche beyond belief. really. the second, though, is interesting--it says, "hey, here's a potentially unique viewpoint, sorry about that cliche I started with".
"eye's" is the possessive of eye, not its plural. and "gold pyrite" ... it's just "pyrite". or "fool's gold". trying too hard for the rhyme, I think.
the second stanza has some good sentiment in it, but it's clumsily stated. partially trying too hard for the rhyme, partially... just missing a coherent flow.
the last two stanzas beat the drum of something I can't agree with, but I'll try not to argue that. Just a note that forced ryhmes and butchered rhythm really don't promote what you're trying to say.
and "always beautiful in my head, no evil you can find" is just disturbing. really. like you're on some sort of "happy drug" ala brave new world, or being brainwashed ala 1984. really.
on plagiarism txt by daniella
5 Sep 2003, 9:02 AM
cute.
on Slimshady Meets Cali Hillbilly (I Don An Afro) by SupremeDreamer
4 Sep 2003, 9:04 PM
you know, this is kinda fun. :) I like.
on Voting on PoemRanker by LuckyJoe
14 Sep 2003, 7:21 PM
hmm.