god'swife
on some deleted poem
20 Feb 2003, 8:39 AM
The last stanza is accurate and frightening. "lies limp as broken veins" was such a hard image to try and grasp, it distracted me too much. Place the last stanza first and then re-write.
Wacka wacka wacka
SWAGGER AWARDE. 10!
The bit with the carpenter is damn good.
I don't personally like songs and things that make out that God is a complete fucker etc. I'm not a believer-that is, I'm a believer in something but I don't know what-but to me songs that run along the lines of 'God hates us all' just make me think of sad blokes in shorts and beards hitting guitar strings really hard and thinking they're cool.
Despite that, this has some choice lines in and it isn't the sort of Slayer metal style I was just on about. Nice images in places. 8
I have never heard a buddhist come out of left field like you just did to express his feelings in such a un-monkishishish way. You are my hero. you wouldn't know budha from Malthusian. maybe that's your gimmeck? give em hell kid! here i packed you a lunch and even wrote your name on it, so i wouldn't forget who you are and you would never remember and nobody brought a fgucking snack anyway, Chip.
What i thought was impressive was how you rhymed pengs,pong, I, and begs while maintaining absolutely no cohesiveness. You should get a life and give up on writing, before the stupid in you catches up with the psychotic desperation. THE SOONER YOU ADMIT TO THE FACT THAT you are an uneducated lesbian in need of thorazine, the sooner your dreams of being a papaya farmer with a mustache and cock will come true. Until then though, this is not a vilanelle, or sadly even remotely funny. Settle is gay and into rock hard hot biceps and shafts a pumping. not desperate idiots on the verge of garbage disposing their own faces out of sheer pathetic loneliness, and the fact that no one gives a shit.
Great satire, brilliant lines S2. If you were trying to make fun, you failed. You just gave his craft that much more thrust. reving engines, power drive.
Fascinating. Awkward. "You are not you" doesn't make sense here and detracts from what you're saying. it would seem he is what he is, and you have discribed it. I like the sort of dumb way this is written. Even the illiterate have insights. Can you find something more interesting for 'well-muscled'?
This is so thoughtful in both respects. Thank you I will cherish it dearly. I loved this :
And I am alone
And I am without
I am within
My own fertile doubts
Fighting these feelings
Fighting my pride
Fighting the faith
That I let slide
-----you turned my blood warm all over.......xxxx cad
Change the tense of the last line. Somehow "appears" works for this. Some new pressent beginning.Death of day, and then a moon right now.
Personally I have been raised in an atheist family, at least partially atheist. I believe there is a God, but that is the extent of it. I do not go to church and look at Christmas as a social holiday not religious. So, I could find common ground with your poem. What grabbed my attention the most I would have to say was the implementation of biblical symbols into the poem. One negative aspect however is that not all your lines rhymed.
Lord Ganus just made profiteroles. Nice use of language.
Interesting that you decided to write about a remembrance of things past. Most people just ignore temporal limitations and dive straight into remembrances of future things. I'm jolly glad you made that clear in the title though, because otherwise I might have been rather confused. I can still remember the last time was rather confused. It was a week next Tuesday, and I had tried to blow my nose with a boiled egg.
P.S I'm afraid you have forgotten to remember the spelling of remembrance.
LMAO.
Smiley I Love You. These perversions always brighten my day. They're funny as usual.
Fantastic. just fantastic.
indeed to be a victim of triton seed.
meds fucking kill
Sorry I missed this. Very fine. Some tiny edits, I'll let you know. But otherwise an insightful tale.
angsty, artsy, and gay
you are what you hate buttfuck