nentwined
on My cousin's baby sitter. by Bachus
9 Sep 2002, 5:26 PM
not really haikus. haikus "need" two contrasting images.
I want you to stand upright and to cool your eyes in the air, and to see how your back can bear Burdens-to try, to know, to learn, to grow. You are only his. You are his, part of him, you; Wife, and have no other life. You cannot think you cannot do;you cannot breathe, cannot see; There is "us", but there is not "me". And worst, in your thoughts you grow Contented so! *****It begins when you sink in his arms... It ends with your arms in his sink.****
What are you trying to say here?
Not necessiarily.
from tinywords.com
Haiku are extremely short poems written in 17 syllables or fewer, often (but not necessarily) arranged in three lines of 5, 7, and 5 syllables each. Haiku make use of concrete imagery or sensations, not abstractions or metaphors, and are often (though not always) concerned with the natural world.
In our view, haiku should point to an actual, lived experience and, in so doing, evoke deep feelings in the reader. As haiku poet and author William Higginson writes, "The central act of haiku is letting an object or event touch us, and then sharing it with another."
thank you for sharing the magicke. i feel blessed to have been in its presence
why are there no prawnes in this poeme? are not prawnes magical?
I stumbled through the reading of this, both due to its (overly?) cryptic nature, and that I couldn't really find a flow in it. Especially "The book is a guide/ But the ring is music from design". And are the stars crying out for pain or from pain? or is it not the stars' pain... hmm... like I said, cryptic. And a bit confusing. :)
my god. this is hilarious and ... I hate to say this, but... well put. Hmm. I'd publish this, personally. :) Maybe I've just been staring at the screen too long...
hmm. a bit overwrought. "bitten away by mad frozen dogs too cold to bark" did it in for me. overall well done, though...
flange?
awkward to read, couldn't get into a rhythm; the sentiment doesn't do anything new for me or move me.
Did you mean perished ?
I enjoyed it-he is special -your beloved. Is he hypothetical ?
A very good effort, T De La B. 8/10. The only reasons this has not been scored more highly are that I feel you have taken a little too much "creative inspiration" from Roald Dahl and also your consistent pottymouth.
Ok truce, this was seriously good. You are quite right, my efforts are pathetic compared to others here and this one of yours. I will try to redeem myself.-10/10
(you've misspelled hollow)liked it.it was a heart-felt pem.you've expressed yourself deeply.8/10
liked very much.9.last stanza esp
NO PROBLEM, SAVANNAH!!1
Plus, a good number of Basho's (the main man) haikus were nowhere close to 5/7/5, but they were all under 17 syllables.
interesting.