Dovina
on The Distance Fighter by shit
26 Aug 2004, 12:02 PM
Please ignore zodiac. You have some errors, but punctuation would cure a lot of them. You have something to say here, but it's too verbose and not well organized. Don't give up.
You seem walking in circles within a supposed enemy which is simply the way of things.
The most likely cause of the potato famine of the 1840's was overcrowding. The farms had been divided into such small sizes that the poor farmers planted closer and closer just to get enough money to survive, making their crops more susceptible to disease. Then when the blight came in the 1840's, aggravated by a spell of bad weather, or vice versa, the result was a million people dead of starvation and another 1.5 million leaving for the US and elsewhere. How is this relevant to my poem?
Time is not our curse, nature transcient cannot be placed @ THE FEET OF TIME , to choose to make an enemy of time is not to understand that without time even our our existence becomes a nullity, a void we cannot reckon with.
In life unend we have in a way subvert the conspiracy of time, even when you mean to say death, this is why "in the ending" a "beginning" can and would be.
Time is not our curse, nature transcient cannot be placed @ THE FEET OF TIME , to choose to make an enemy of time is not to understand that without time even our our existence becomes a nullity, a void we cannot reckon with.
In life unend we have in a way subvert the conspiracy of time, even when you mean to say death.
Christof
on Beached (Or how I learned to give up the day) by Jeremi B. Handrinos
26 Aug 2004, 7:36 AM
Apart from the last two lines, which I don't like because they seem over-sentimental and Romantic, this is ace. teh first stanza could be a poem by itself.
I admire the spirit behind this but the expression is too simplistic and cliched to really make me feel the force of the poem. This states a case rather than creating an imaginative response to inequality; perhaps you could try creating a character or a voice that expresses what you mena without resorting to bald declarations?
Christof
on Swimming in Space & Fishing for the Luridness Monster by SupremeDreamer
26 Aug 2004, 7:30 AM
I'm sorry, I know a lot of peole think really highly of your stuff but I find this verbose, navel-gazing, self-regarding and, worst of all, unmusical and unrhythmic. This sounds like prose and rather than expressing your 'insanity' merely goes through the motions of explaining it; the ultimate effect is extremely unconvincing.
Supreme Dreamer says it all except that the last line in bathetic - that weak final rhyme lets the whole structure down. Also ;It could of been; - 'it could have been'. 'Of' is not a part of a verb and never will be. Jeez, I'm sorry you're taking all this crap over your grammar, but I think it's because people see something they like in your writing and really want you to get better.
Dear bleedingrose,
You've made a grammatickal (or otherwise-sensickal) mistake in nearly every line of this post. Please, please stop offending the world with the terribleness of your writing. Thanks,
zodiac
You still have the most disgusting upper legs I've ever seen straddled by a lapdancer.
No one cares about your poetry, my comment is the first on any of your work for 6 weeks. Do you get the impression that the we are all getting a little tired of your preconscious, childish ramblings?
Gerald Bumflange in his widely respected tome, "The Irish had it coming" has refuted previous works by Grenville Cheesehead whom had argued in his seminal work "Bogtrotters, Blights and Blarney" that the Irish were the architects of their own misfortune owing to their dependence on chips. Bumflange argued that if the English overlords has repeeled the smash laws of 1813, which as any historian knows forbade the Irish dried potato subsitute, the whole ghastly famine could have been avoided. Norman Gash in is underated but oververbed book "What have the Irish ever given us except tinkers?" stated that it was all a Fiennan plot to make generations feel sorry for the Irish for being hungry. In summary I beleieve that Bismarck did successfully use a policy of "Blood and Iron" to unite Germany.
I'see your grammar - is coming? on in leaps & bounds. You are a flatulent pederast.
I thought the potato famine was caused by potato blight, not drought. If your poeme does indeed turn out to be historically inaccurate, I do hope you will withdraw it from poemeranker.
Sincerely yours,
Cornelius Bum
Have you taken note of any of the comments on your own poem?
Furthermore, your retorts are the weakest ever.
I'm dropping the pretense of poem-critiquing and starting a parallel site where (for a nominal fee) you can get a semi-witty (or at least Post-worthy) quotable "blurb" for anything you happen to have written, sight unseen. Please send a half-dinar, the title of the work you wish to have blurbed, and a fresh white melon to zodiac, c/o The Crack, Islamland. We'll be in touch.
For the last twenty four hours, I've been suffering from a bad bout of superdysentery and the aftermath of a local diet composed almost entirely of various starches wrapped around, or stuffed into, other starches. However, I'm pleased to report I still had enough gruelly unction left in me to, upon reading your comment and its preceding, presumably unedited, version, promptly evacuate it into the seat of my Thursday dishdash. Thank you, thank you so much for being you!
Docking, the next Perversions needs to include docking!
<3 Jason