this, i think, goes further than other-of-i-have-seen. the "Maas" makes me want to guess in that direction, but i feel cautious tonight...

You’ve got some complicated wording here. Maybe it’s a first draft, a verbose spilling. Some stuff could be cut/simplified to a better result, unless you have some underhanded urge to confuse. Sometimes I like to get a draft done, post it, keep my mind off it for a day then go back to it and revise. I’m more critical and less attached that way. Ever feel like you haven't quite hit the mark you were shootin for? And the more you mess with a poem the more you see it cripple-like and dwarfed? Sometimes my poems get better in form as I tweak them, but worse in spirit, the law of sacrifice, or the law of political trading. Your poem has good lines and good images, but I have trouble following it.

I really like the analogies to a river, "like rivers flow downstream and fatten out at the mouth," for example. A long poem, flows well, interseting, but many will not take the time.

I counted four spelling and grammar mistakes in the first verse. Yes, I'm a prude. But I also look at content and see a lot here, especially in the last two lines.

"We’ve become the people we swore we'd never be." How many of the young smartoffs on this site will ever say that. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ll ever say it. “But we’re here despite ourselves” and your song says it well. The last time I saw you on chat, some jerk calling himself “wiIco” was trying his clumsy hand at impersonation (Notice the capital “I”) Kinda takes the fun out of it ya let it. Oh well, if I had something worthwhile to do, I wouldn’t be on chat. You can always use email.

thats a whole lotta y.

I like this one too, but the rhyme takes away from it, I think.

better than the last one I read. -8-

yep, verse 2 is good. I like 3 too, but 2 is better.

very nice, D. Poetic and all that. :0)

Well well.. old friend, how are you on this shadowed day?

I think you would do better to lose any rhyme here, even accidental. Good to see ya.

concerned. intersting. not sure i like it but it's better than the first time 'round

I wish I had more time.

Narrow space between the fog and the ground. Just right for crawling.

I see you pulled into a truc-um-up-stop for a little web-time with the home folks. Well, glad you did, we’re still here, but little’s goin’ on. Mostly, everyone’s ignoring the poems and arguin’ about racism and sex on somebody’s posting. Hit chat if you want. I’ll say your poem is good, and if your’re nice, give a 9 or sompn’. Welcome back.

Verse 2 is great. The last verse seems trite in comparison.

Death looks like my ex-mother-in-law to me. But each of us has our own boogie(sic) man we see, now that Rick James is dead.

Lyrics are tough to rate because of the singsong nature of the meter and the rhyme. I think it would work as long as Bono or Sting don't sing it.