Do you think "The Clash" was at fault? Hard to decipher.

Fun to imagine as one reads, sees the threesome walking along, the caddy asking question after question while Tiger gets annoyed and Ari smiles at his old teacher's complete lack of golf etiquette.

Sounds like a lover's quarrel with this site. In that spirit, You're telling me not showing me. Who made that reprobate Bukowski god? In line 5 try replacing dismayed with repulsed (what is the opposite of seduced?).-9-

Cute.

Your first decent poeme.

You were still writing absolute shite.

You used to be really shit.

"Cave bacon" is naturally bitchin'.

Actually, not bad, it's a shame your ass aint rad. Like mine, in lime, for niggers thirsting -- a lemon fizzy blast of white crack and pink ass.

somewhat catchy. a bit kitschy as well; the chin-up/move-out has a nice rhythm to it, though.

The metaphor is somewhat interesting, but overall it doesn't have enough rhythm for me; the lines jerk from one to the next. The half-rhyme of 'couch' and 'pout' really doesn't work for me. I think the poem could be more interesting if you explored the metaphor a bit more directly and left the broad statements to be assumed. Hope this is somewhat helpful...

Well, a sonnet. But the identical rhyme , and wait - well, no rhyme scheme either. Hmm. The language sounds like you are faking things English, strangely enough. It is almost good, but somehow it smells crippled - mayhaps on purpose.

Sheepheard is, wrong. The premise of writing to something one doesn't believe in gives me pause. Though I did like that "Dear God" song a while back.

really aught to reword that "whom" line, even if it is correct it is awkward in this context, imho. Not crazy about breathing devoid, either - sorry.