andrewjthomas
on A Sonnet For Santa Claus, Who Hates Jesus, But Likes When You Buy Things by snacktime
5 May 2003, 10:37 AM
pretty interesting poem, structurally sound, but i think your iambic meter could use a little work
i liked it, but it does feel a bit preachy (but maybe that's what you were going for?)
your content and ryhme are excellent, and your meter over all is iambic, but you miss the "pentameter" part of the english sonnet form
basically every line should have 10 syllables
otherwise, good work!
this is not a sonnet, you should look up the structure...
sonnets are strictly iambic pentameter, you can deviate a little, but not that much
you also follow a strict ryhme scheme depending on the type
english sonnet for instance is: abab cdcd efef gg
that last couplet (gg) should answer the previous stanzas somehow
very well structured, very nice iambic and ryhme
i would suggest working on the couplet at the end... it feels a little stilted
"Amongst the many and the few".
Yeah, kind of like an out of order soda machine at an airport in Syracuse.
"On a throne of sorrow shall he sit" No, croutch.
"The rebuilder of shattered dreams" I think what you meant to say was scattered legumes.
I would change them but its all a reference to a conversation I had with a girl whom rejected me. But thanks for the advice.
"as the pyramids burn" Be smart, change this to librarys, because of the obvious, that being the impossibilty of burning stone, ever. And definitrly add more commas and fix Phoenix immediately. Because that is one of those mispells that can't slide by, ever.
I cried or wept blood would be a stonger action.
The Eldorado reference sucks and so does the emo thing lose them, and then maybe you'll be closer. To what? I have no fucking clue.
Perhaps, it's the cotton candy wind chimes a chiming. Then again it could be the knock of fortune at the mother door.
SPORK UNDULATIONAL CLAP JUMPER
ROBERT GOULET RACK OF LAMB
I agree with devina, this song is excellent
Yes, I know.
I am always impressed by vilanelles, like the bit about cant shoot dope and a busy social bee
ah the old I'm the only sane one concept
I like how it speeds up at the end, but perhaps in need of a few more ideas
wow. you're awesome
sick mind dude... -3