INTRANSIT
replying on of people and places (final cut)I by INTRANSIT
18 Dec 2002, 5:04 PM
My first problem is not specifying the (board ) not necessarily the pieces. (Chess is a kick ass game. One that I will gladly suck at for the rest of my life.) I stay away from the media most of the time . The constant bad news is a strain on my muse. That's why I missed the Lott thing. Plus I think it's a yearly event that some political putz says something racially poor. Thanks for your help C. Not quite what I'm looking for though.
Guys you make me sad when you fight so.
Doesn't exploit the inherent qualities of haiku very well. Not concrete enough. They say/With age comes wisdom,/retirement,/bingo - /then wings to fly there. Why not break it up. No need for a rigid, meaningless structure that has nothing to do with the poem. Normally I'd let it go but it seems so pained.s
Marvellous
I've no idea why the ???s, they're meant to be apostrophes (not sure if I spelt that right)
It's true that some of the lines don't quite work here-I thought that myself as I was writing it. Sadly that was at about three o clock in the morning, so I couldn't really clear my mind enough to come up with anything better. Then this morning, when I came to try and improve it I'd just totally lost all the ideas I had, which was an arse!
I considered not putting this on here until I'd improved it, but it occurred to me that I'm not a poet (no shit!) and that maybe the people on this site might help me with it, cause I really think it's ok. I especially feel pleased with the middle four lines of the last verse-I don't know where on earth they came from!
As for your guess, you are almost right. It???s actually a very obscure metaphor for me, in a strange sense (i.e. I???m not female, nor would I ever consider myself an angel). You are kind of right, though. It is drawn from a love I never had-but I would never curse her-we???re still great friends. It's really just the stupid period that all teenagers go through, but I figured that even if how I feel isn't important to the rest of the world, it's still important to me.
My friend Dani here just said that I could make a really good writer or poet if I tried! That was very complementary!
Anyway, thank you again for your time, I've got to go and get the bus or I'll be stuck in college miles from home!
yes, i figured the long strider was an adult male, but i saw no clue to indicate kinship.
the 'maverick above' made me think the long strider was a single man, and the boy was tagging along, and could not understand why he would plead for the kid to stay with him. i didn't get at all that the maverick was the crow. and why would he plead for the boy to stay, since the boy had been involved in the shooting of the other crow? not directly, but by his presence, he was complicit in the murder of the crow.
'the two alone' reads to me as just the humans being left.
can this be worked out?
why are they hunting crows anyway?
By the way, can't wait to see your new one, it sounds good!
Soo-bloody-perb! Cheers for the advice! Do you mind if I write another version of this with your ideas in? I like both sets, and it would be cool to have both on here? Thanks once again!
Maybe because you and horus8 are entirely different personae?!?!?!???!??1//11//
By the way I took your advice and wrote something happy its called 'Sawn off shotgun'
This is your best rangerman and yogi likes it.
On stanza 3 you could change the last line slightly to 'Which way around would they be faced? (it rhymes and flows better)
Stanza 4 is a credit to you, I would've been pleased writing it.
Anyway as for not fully comprehending your work - worry not - as someone wise recently said on this site their is a certain magic, allurement to writing from the heart as it shows the characted of the poet as well as its subjects or subject. The last stanza is almost a poem on its own and the last stanza flows like wine at the last supper.
I have some suggestions for S2, they were merely reactionary thoughts after i had read yours.
She stands alone like one of stone
Buried deep in HALLOWED ground,
ASLEEP, FROM PRYING SOULS THAT GAZE THROUGH MORTAL WINDOWS,
UNDER THE WINGS OF THE CRYSTAL ANGEL,
SHE IS THE SOUND OF ITS WINGS,
FREE, FROM THE CONFINES OF DAY, OF NIGHT,
DESTINED TO BE SUNSHINE AND THE GLIMMER OF MOONLIGHT.
The lilting rain brings no more pain
To ears bereft of sound
Her wings caress AN abandoned nest
Caring for them 'till they're found,
And when, unchained,
LOVE CORONATES HER,
AND SHE IS ORDAINED, SHE IS FOUND
AND THE STANGLING VINES OF TIME have unwound.
(my version is in bold)
its hard to do this in this box.
anyway have an 8, its very good.
'To your long strides' = the father. The second person.
'I see this maverick above me now...
This time pleading with me to stay with him.' = the crow. The third person.
Maybe it's this 'The two of us alone...' that confuses the issue. Where is the father? Dead? Wasn't thinking that when I wrote it.
Littered with bad grammar and spelling mistakes which sadly loses the reader from enjoying your work, flow interuption pisses people off on here, welcome to poemranker katie 2, help us to help ourselves this is the literary last supper for poets.
(re-edit and re-submit this and good luck on here.
LMAO! Cute, and I agree...way to many free flyin older peeps ;) Nice one
Love your poem hun, I'm pretty sure many could relate, Happy Holidays, and Good Luck with your writing! =)
i like the numbers too.
i'd break this up though:
Just because I'm gone
it doesnt mean that sunlight should
come in like
you always wanted it to.