nentwined
on The Dreamer by Nicholas Jones
17 Dec 2002, 11:40 AM
very well done. 9
THIS HURTS.
this isn't amazingly original, but it's very pretty; well done, really. 8
cute, but the last stanza didn't wrap it together for me. 6
maybe without the "and" in the last line?
yeah. 'ethers', the more I look at it, fails somehow. maybe 'embers' would work. that ties in lost things, and a touch of fire which I always love... :)
cubefarm. eh.
Singular "ether" maybe?
Your last line--the change in rhythm--seems to fall flat.
I like the idea of this a lot, just needs some refining, I think.
cute. well done. :) 9
love is definitely a word used too much. especially for poems.
I'd recommend trying to work on the rhythm of this piece so that it flows more naturally. (try reading it outloud and see where you stumble... count syllables and compare stress if you're really bored...)
beyond that, eh.
I liked it up until "there was a summer I learned to like beer" -- that threw me off of the rhythm I'd build up, and... dunno, randomized everything else to dust.
that works. :)
don't mind p&k. he gets cranky. i get bitchy. horus babbles. etc. keep posting.
i don't know what popaul is. wanna tell me?
howzabout switching it to read thusly:
spun wholecloth from ethers, the ethereal nothing
Thank you for this barbed compliment. When I joined the site, I put on the best of my poetry from the last five years - just the ones I liked. Now, I put on most of what I write, including stuff that isn't finished. That's why not all my poems are very good.
poetandknowit
replying on I Can Write A Wrong, But I Can't Right A Poem by horus8
17 Dec 2002, 9:55 AM
Yes, you are correct and acting like 12 year olds. But I was drunk, which is no excuse but how I must plead, and he is so easy to lead. He is going to beat the oatmeal out of me. It got the better of me. From now on I am nothing but sweet. Have a great day.
you're all foolish. I'm entertained by the poem, though.