on some deleted poem
2 Jun 2007, 5:32 PM
You are quite good at these arent you?
on Billy Collins by INTRANSIT
3 Aug 2008, 12:18 PM
Great poem.
on Cinematic Indulgence by nentwined
25 Jul 2008, 8:00 PM
I like everything except from "plot" to "fans". It has a great beat.
on some deleted poem
8 Jun 2008, 5:20 PM
leaning
in the circle of its yolk
in the circle of its yolk
on some deleted poem
2 May 2008, 9:38 PM
It's gorgeous. Seems more personal than just a story about a lost love. There are undercurrents that I see clearly but don't understand. Fabulous!
on On Clipped Wings by Viirin
4 May 2008, 8:31 PM
I would suggest trying to take out 90% of the "he"s in the poem. Each time, try to find a different way to approach the line/stanza. For example:
"""
He takes off, exhilarated.
Cutting wind with feathery knives
only to rest after exhausting the morning's meal.
"""
The above is not quite right, but you can see what I'm getting at. Try to add more variation. Another thing. Usually you can find a better approach to emphasize a phrase without using punctuation. Instead of putting a word in CAPS, make the description (in lowercase) strong enough to evoke the emotion you want without caps.
Good poem!
~half.italian
"""
He takes off, exhilarated.
Cutting wind with feathery knives
only to rest after exhausting the morning's meal.
"""
The above is not quite right, but you can see what I'm getting at. Try to add more variation. Another thing. Usually you can find a better approach to emphasize a phrase without using punctuation. Instead of putting a word in CAPS, make the description (in lowercase) strong enough to evoke the emotion you want without caps.
Good poem!
~half.italian
on C. by skaskowski
29 May 2007, 8:24 PM
The imagery and flow is magnificent. I agree with nypoet however that the self reflection stanzas should be entirely cut. They detroy everything that you build before. Keep stanzas 1,2,3,7,8,9,10 and leave the rest unchanged.
on Lustlets of longing by bharat shekhar
5 May 2007, 11:18 AM
Delicious.
on some deleted poem
5 May 2007, 11:21 AM
Can't make the connection, but I like the thought.
on some deleted poem
5 May 2007, 11:26 AM
crying profusely for your loss
on Beetles by cheese.doodles
5 May 2007, 11:30 AM
Beatles
Brothers
making music that
ignites souls
Teaching
us of love, peace, and
Drugs.
Brothers
making music that
ignites souls
Teaching
us of love, peace, and
Drugs.
on some deleted poem
5 May 2007, 11:36 AM
Awful moaning
in the backyard.
Coital ecstacy.
in the backyard.
Coital ecstacy.
on Final Moon by Caducus
5 May 2007, 11:46 AM
I like some of the images, but they don't really join into a whole. Is this love? "surgeons on my father" says gentle to me, which is what I think you are going for. At the same time, the image of surgeons on my father reminds me of blood and sickness, rather than love. What are "English" hands? "slave", "voil", "blinded", "average"
All those words in this poem just confuse me.
All those words in this poem just confuse me.
on some deleted poem
5 May 2007, 11:50 AM
Lousy title.
on requiem for the dead generation by Prince of Void
28 Apr 2007, 7:12 PM
No poem shall go uncommented!
on some deleted poem
28 Apr 2007, 7:17 PM
Haikus
arn't
short enuf.
Actually I like it! I would name this 'rockmage' though. :)
arn't
short enuf.
Actually I like it! I would name this 'rockmage' though. :)
on some deleted poem
28 Apr 2007, 7:18 PM
I think there are much more interesting things about cats.
on some deleted poem
9 May 2007, 1:51 PM
Perfect. They are all the same arent they?
on new clothes, same old story by nypoet22
28 Apr 2007, 7:10 PM
Bare.