on some deleted poem
5 May 2004, 9:02 PM
Yep. Caught me nappin'.
Awake now.
I thought those asterisks were stars - by the end I realized it was the money shot.
Awake now.
I thought those asterisks were stars - by the end I realized it was the money shot.
on When she beats me by Win
5 May 2004, 9:04 PM
Great title.
Is that some forshadowing there at the end?
Is that some forshadowing there at the end?
on some deleted poem
5 May 2004, 9:08 PM
Bloody awful.
on some deleted poem
6 May 2004, 7:13 PM
Smooth flow. That second line is very sweet.
I'm put off a little by lowercase "i" the inconsistent apostophe usage.
I'm put off a little by lowercase "i" the inconsistent apostophe usage.
on clay or mud (hertz donut version) by nentwined
6 May 2004, 7:16 PM
"yet" can go.
Lots of twothree letter words in here... this could be very much distilled and made stronger, imho.
Lots of twothree letter words in here... this could be very much distilled and made stronger, imho.
Mechanically it's not to shabbily done, I'd say. The endrhymes weave without any noticeably intrusion.
The meter chugs right along, slightly bumpy toward the end there - but serves to let the reader know the station approaches. I'd try to hack out some of the conjunctions, in particular but carefully since it would affect the good flow.
Philosphically, I'm willing to accept it as a character perspective, one that although I personally don't quite relate to it, I can understand.
Have an Eight. A few more poetic techniques would notch it up pretty easily, given the success of the mechanics used.
The meter chugs right along, slightly bumpy toward the end there - but serves to let the reader know the station approaches. I'd try to hack out some of the conjunctions, in particular but carefully since it would affect the good flow.
Philosphically, I'm willing to accept it as a character perspective, one that although I personally don't quite relate to it, I can understand.
Have an Eight. A few more poetic techniques would notch it up pretty easily, given the success of the mechanics used.
on some deleted poem
7 May 2004, 10:22 AM
Ahhhh - sweetly done. THIS is the kind of stuff you do well.
You have a gift, my friend - you have a gift.
You have a gift, my friend - you have a gift.
on some deleted poem
7 May 2004, 8:58 PM
I post this in celebration of my 100th Poemranker Poem. Thank you for putting up with my various ramblings.
on Trapped in a horseshoe by INTRANSIT
9 May 2004, 5:25 PM
Greets (been hard to get on-line this weekend)!
This has a jaunty little beat, doesn't it. I'd be inclined to change a couple minor things here and there, but overall it's got a solid feel.
Exlamations points might be overdone, and I'd just make that last line go right after the "she", and lastly the capital "And" is pretty jarring.
This has a jaunty little beat, doesn't it. I'd be inclined to change a couple minor things here and there, but overall it's got a solid feel.
Exlamations points might be overdone, and I'd just make that last line go right after the "she", and lastly the capital "And" is pretty jarring.
on some deleted poem
9 May 2004, 5:50 PM
Good poem if a little long. Raises an interesting topic.
Prolly you could trim a fourth, anyway.
Sorry I can't be more helpful with something more specific. I should prolly bag this for the night.
Prolly you could trim a fourth, anyway.
Sorry I can't be more helpful with something more specific. I should prolly bag this for the night.
on Feasting Ouroboros by <~>
9 May 2004, 5:51 PM
Congrats.
on Spring Cleaning by horus8
10 May 2004, 3:48 AM
Lemme guess - red?
Excellent.
Excellent.
on Fighting before bed by zodiac
10 May 2004, 7:09 AM
Good one!
on some deleted poem
10 May 2004, 12:32 PM
Well said.
Adieu and Fare-well.
Adieu and Fare-well.
on In the berth by INTRANSIT
10 May 2004, 6:59 PM
For a minute - I was in my own cab. good un.
on Obituary for the Moon by wilco
10 May 2004, 6:59 PM
That would work. yep, yes it would.
on some deleted poem
10 May 2004, 7:03 PM
I'd like to see a different word than warriors - but the piece in its entirety, it is quite poignant nonetheless.
Some of the language seems heavier.