Free coupon for "Grandma's Wildflower and Mulch Mix" with every comment or vote.

I must say that it does convey a sense of increasing constriction.

How 'bout making this a concrete with a shape like an hourglass?

Would maybe the impact be stronger if the first stanza went last?

The word "can" just irks me. Given your propensity toward an economy of words you could easily just loose "can" and put an s on "cure[s]" - does it hurt the meter then? I don't think so; up to you.

For some reason I read this as an Amish person might - and it cracks me up. Actually it has a comedic feel because this concoction sounds useless; it has all these disclaimers and ways for it to be messed up.

In some,
most things - short of illness,
as long as the soil is hand-turned, specific planting depth, frequent watering, etc...

So, I'm going with that you did this effect on purpose and I give you a nine for now (until you change it, because you will - and there's not a thing wrong with doing that).

Okay, Z - lets have a go at this...

I like the cadence of it, first off.

"backwards gravity" got it, like it - falls up (geographically).

then an image of the black mother (had to look up "rucked") making sexual advances (I see...)

I liked the car "idled into emptiness"; left running - good.

I wasn't able to associate with the rot-sweetness of tragedy or the puritan wet-dreams, but I understood it to be a description of something that may be a demographic universal.

then there's the suicide scene (is it?) - which I think is a little rushed - or perhaps too complex. I liked the red clay on the shoes - does this mean she's been buried? Made me think so, anyway.

I guess I'm not sure what exactly *is* going on in those last two-odd stanzas. A bit more sculpting maybe?

Aye - cleaner.

questioning "in some" now... don't hit me...

Is a good question(s), to be sure.

And raises still more (nothing wrong with that). I think you might be limiting the poem's impact by making that last suggestion, somehow?

Shouldn't you be chatting someplace??
;O)

Not bad, this one - not bad at all. Might be a little preposition heavy in S1 (fairly easily fixed - trade away across somehow since it's implied by the bridge).

It's got a nice feel to it.

ah - I just notice <~> hit on the pronouns. Those little words that offer little value are what will kill you.

Over a third of the words are either preps or pronouns.

Sucked me into the story.

I wouldn't have questioned the bounce if Richa hadn't said anything, but I think he has a point.

Somehow it doesn't make me want to pick at the semantics of it - works for me.

http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=75624

Love Sick (Free verse) by Shuushin

I can't eat,
or won't -
nothing settles well.

You don't miss me
I can tell; you can't deny it -
don't.

When the veil of long night slips away
and I'm left
still alone
in this bed - acres of satin desert;
my head buried in the western hills,
dreading the coming sunrise;
another emotional theft, something gone,
or left unsaid -
more blanks to fill in.

Sleeping pills,
glasses of excellent wine in lesser company;
feeling the bed spin.

Wondering what's wrong with you,
but knowing
it’s me.

*Very* nice, really well suited to the form -

Added to my faves.

-=D_A=-, may we get a score please?

I'll echo that its a good story, [surprisingly] not often told.

AABB rhyme scheme kicks the crap out of it though.

Liking the Title lots.

Last stanza is probably optional - oneish nit, I'd not put the period after "home[.]" (before the quote), and the capital letters before each line take away from the story-telling quality.

Nice job, good topic.

"inverted Darwinian orgy of sound" wow.

De-evolution? Good with punk; well said.

As for the rest, I wish you could make it flow a little smoother without creating a dichotomy between the punk rock sound and, well - smooth flow.

Still like it, but now I have a crit (doesn't cost you in the score though).

"Its is the possessive form of the pronoun it and is correctly written without an apostrophe."

<~>'s crits were spot on, imho, glad to see some of those changes.

Title verb could give you a bit more use prolly.

"windy" twice in the first?

I'm going to go off on that first stanza some more, no abuse intended. Do you really need to *tell* me it's windy? I mean "hats rolling [down] the sidewalk" do that for you, right? Pretty much - "down" is weak to that end though, but easily replaced with maybe a simile. Can you do something with "Hats" - make it more real, less "movie-like"?

Figure all that out and apply to the other stanzas and it will help you with this pattern of saying "here is an event", then proceeding to describe the event; "They were yelling/words were loudly played about" kindof thing. The idea is to not need that first [telling] bit.

Btw, I didn't spend all these words because I think this sucks, in fact it has a refined feel, especially toward the end - but there is some noise making it difficult to appreciate fully.

Nice one!

Another great use of a form. The repetition with the driving and the smoking and the reading works really well with this travelog feel.

A well-deserved Ten.

"fatigue is my color." - very very good.

There are so many standard set pieces in here though, I can't decide if its giving it a classic, or a tired feel. Hmmm...

That line though, love that.

Strong stuff.
Too strong maybe; such a thing may exist.

(I'm put off a bit by the language.)

Help me with "tightly jarred"

Good ones, even with my confusion.