nentwined
on corrupting you by skaskowski
27 Aug 2004, 2:56 PM
twisted.
I like. :)
another one for the love/above list!
I like 'clandestine comet'.
very evocative, though I find I want to know more how you were lost. Is it just the time?
I like the line "Can you believe the gray wind of used to be and winter?"
"simple perfect" -> "simple perfection"? Or are you making a grammatical pun of some sort that I'm failing to get?
cute. odd. definitely a difficult subject matter to try to make someone take seriously. Delving into the bowels so explicity does not do it for me, I think. Bits here and there don't cohere for me.
I think the title is too ... blatant ... for the rest of the poem. The poem is very nice. Agree with the semi-awkwardness of "nothing makes the night seem lonely like". Maybe just "nothing makes the night more lonely than"? Thoughts.
nentwined
on Beached (Or how I learned to give up the day) by Jeremi B. Handrinos
27 Aug 2004, 2:47 PM
very cute. tightly done. silly, but tightly done and in that silliness is a nice contrast.
Time has been placed in the place of Horror
when consequences are against your circumstances
and choices are lost in attempts of dooms
My mind suddenly went from sharp to dull when he turned on me and pushed its sharpness against the wall, pressing closer, intensifying my plight, and bringing the stench of fear, flooding me until I felt empty with his pitiless demise.
Or at least that's what I feel.
nentwined
on Internal Dialogue (Mental Cock-Slapping & Anal Discipline) by DreamerSupreme
27 Aug 2004, 11:03 AM
boring and repetitive.
the flow is very solid; the content blase.
I don't think I really get what this is saying.
breath -> breathe; it's -> its
the rule to put a comma wherever you want a breath is simply wrong.
this is pretty cool. I was a bit worried by the gimmick early on, but... it flows nicely; definitely captures something and shares it. :)
agreed.
Poems about suicide either relieve the tendency or increase it. Some of them make suicide look ordinary and alright, an individual choice, and not unkind. Some folks may vote you down because you have said nothing about a rather permanent decision and all that it ignores. I am one of them.
Please tell me what the considerable theme is, because I'm at a loss.
That poet would see past the trivia, would occasionally notice the value, even comment on the worth, i.e.:
“I can't think of how to re-word it, though. Sorry I can't be more help; it's a cute little rhyme.”
“Some of this is really nice. The rhythm, though, is so almost-regular it really hits you where it's not. Other than that, good.”
“’To so confuse the daffodils’ would be better said ‘That so confuses daffodils?’ Otherwise, swell. 10”
“I think the clinical sound of 'goal' is great.”
“It's a companion piece for richa's dandelion clocks, maybe - and heavier on the Darwinism, which is ace. ‘Seeds are the goal’ is the best description of flowers I've read in a long time.”
“I'm reversing myself. Clothes is fine, but you need an extra syllable or two: ‘The best art only clothes the truth’ would do.”
I miss that poet.
Thank you. It touches my insides too, as if there's a place there that inspires the building of these magnificant churches even while I wonder at the meaning of it.
Thank you. It is a bit sad, unable to know the answers.