replying on The Unforgiven II by alvinb
24 Oct 2006, 9:30 AM
When the hell did my "mark this poem as plagiarised" button break?
Meh.
Meh.
replying on Peter by Wakeboarder20
5 Oct 2006, 10:27 AM
I don't know the story you're referencing in enough detail to really know what's going on from the poem. It makes more sense on a line level, now, so it's not until I get to the end that I really know I don't know what's going on.
I'd change "claiming he is" to "claiming to be"--things are vague enough that there could be _another_ he... or perhaps the _parables_ are claiming that the ghost he is ...
What rickety boat? That metaphor jumps away from the piece, for me, in a very confusing way.
I really like "but stricken [...] strikes back".
Screaming for help, sinking like a stone?
What do you see?
I'd change "claiming he is" to "claiming to be"--things are vague enough that there could be _another_ he... or perhaps the _parables_ are claiming that the ghost he is ...
What rickety boat? That metaphor jumps away from the piece, for me, in a very confusing way.
I really like "but stricken [...] strikes back".
Screaming for help, sinking like a stone?
What do you see?
on Untitled by PunkyPanda
4 Oct 2006, 6:32 PM
meh.
on Weather poem part 5: the cold dusk by nypoet22
4 Oct 2006, 6:26 PM
I disagree on the "Everyone cries gently". Some people cry only violently. Same with laughter. It can be frightening.
Doesn't feel forced, which is nice, but does feel trite, to me.
Doesn't feel forced, which is nice, but does feel trite, to me.
on Dedication by MissUnderstood
4 Oct 2006, 6:25 PM
simple, but, er, trite. You've got a flow, I'll give you that, though the yoda speak is ... twisted.
Are you killing yourself? If not, what have you done to mend the shredded remains of a treasured friend? At least, the way you've phrased it, you're implying you've done something _towards_ mending things.
Are you killing yourself? If not, what have you done to mend the shredded remains of a treasured friend? At least, the way you've phrased it, you're implying you've done something _towards_ mending things.
on May Sinners Rot In Fucking Hell! by Sing4Jesus!
4 Oct 2006, 6:17 PM
funny :)
on Peter by Wakeboarder20
4 Oct 2006, 6:16 PM
hmm... huh?
on Weather Poem part 4: Cleaning Day by nypoet22
4 Oct 2006, 6:14 PM
cute. liking this.
on I've thought a lot by MacFrantic
4 Oct 2006, 6:13 PM
odd. interesting. oddly convoluted in manner, which doesn't seem to suit the piece (except by way of example, but generally it's best not to give so strong an example of self-reference with something negative).
replying on Street Preacher by Dovina
4 Oct 2006, 6:10 PM
p'raps. I'm agreeing with Ranger--this feels cheap and confused. Not to put words in Ranger's mouth ;)
on Pity me. by cleverdevice
4 Oct 2006, 6:07 PM
Okay, you got a laugh out of me. Thanks. :)
on Dead Poets' Society (Joke) by Yardbird
4 Oct 2006, 6:07 PM
who's <- whose!
cute joke, though. I think I've heard it?
cute joke, though. I think I've heard it?
on Hazy days by cleverdevice
4 Oct 2006, 6:04 PM
who's <-- whose
who's means "who is", as in "who's going to fix that?"
who's means "who is", as in "who's going to fix that?"
on A Little Life by Tom Colebrooke
4 Oct 2006, 6:02 PM
fly's <-- flies
cann't <-- can't
cute poem, but in something so small the little problems really are mountains. flow/rhythm/etc are off and the rhymes feel forced. :/
cann't <-- can't
cute poem, but in something so small the little problems really are mountains. flow/rhythm/etc are off and the rhymes feel forced. :/
on Flamin Monkey's by Blade
4 Oct 2006, 5:59 PM
's is a _possessive_, except in the case of "it's".
You slay me.
cute, ish.
You slay me.
cute, ish.
on Shark by cleverdevice
4 Oct 2006, 5:57 PM
I think you should split "My body rises and dives / UP DOWN UP DOWN UP DOWN" into "My body rises / UP UP UP / and dives / DOWN DOWN DOWN"
I actually ... this is funny, and not annoying.
I actually ... this is funny, and not annoying.
on Ode to the unwanted chip by deadstar
4 Oct 2006, 5:56 PM
funny.
on The Gunfighter by deadstar
4 Oct 2006, 5:55 PM
eh
Sag, a calme before the storme
Of concentration